Ides of March

Beware the Ides of March!

It was 16 years ago, today, that I had my miscarriage. The baby was only 10 weeks, but was so dear to me already.

It was a horrible, frightening day. There I was, bleeding. What do I do? We are living, temporarily, in Saskatoon, having just come from Yellowknife. I had no doctor. I frantically phoned clinic after clinic looking for a doctor to examine me. Over and over again I heard the words: "That sounds serious. You should have someone examine you. Sorry, we aren't taking new patients...." Umm..thanks...

I finally found someone who would see me, so I bundled up my two toddlers and drove quickly to the clinic. Nothing like having two young children in the examining room when you are having a pelvic exam.

"Well, you'll have to get to the hospital so we can do the surgery"

"What surgery?" tears are flowing, fear is building...

"Well, you are losing the baby. We have to do a D&C."

I look at the two sweet girls playing on the floor. I'm crying. what do I do? The doctor just leaves me. Hospital. Miscarriage. Operation. Two children. My mom is at work. My husband is in Yellowknife. I lost my baby. I'm bleeding. I can't see through my tears. What do I do now?

Someone pops their head in the door. I stare.

"You can use the phone if you like"

Okay. Who do I call? ... No one knows I'm pregnant. I think my mom knew. Mom's at work...downtown.

I call Edith...I am sobbing uncontrollably. I try to speak... "this is Lynn" I can't choke out any more.

Edith says: What's wrong?
Is is John? no
the girls? no
you? sob....baby...
you are having a miscarriage? yes.
where are you? I'll be right there.

Then I called my mom. I don't remember everything. Just that Edith and Garth came and got me. They drove me home and took the girls with them..My mom came and took me to the hospital. Very scary to be in a strange ER, not knowing anyone. My baby is gone...

When it is all over, I am left with a migraine and two toddlers. My mom helps me. "You have to phone John."

No.

Yes.

I am already in too much pain. Feeling too alone. I've already suffered a loss.

I phone.

I tell my husband about our baby.

My husband says: "I'm staying a few extra days up here"

I am alone with two toddlers.

I am alone with my grief.

I didn't want to phone.

Phoning hurt.

I am alone.

I am nothing.

I am dying.

Is it wrong to be jealous of a couple whose full term baby died?

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.