Ides of March

Beware the Ides of March!

It was 16 years ago, today, that I had my miscarriage. The baby was only 10 weeks, but was so dear to me already.

It was a horrible, frightening day. There I was, bleeding. What do I do? We are living, temporarily, in Saskatoon, having just come from Yellowknife. I had no doctor. I frantically phoned clinic after clinic looking for a doctor to examine me. Over and over again I heard the words: "That sounds serious. You should have someone examine you. Sorry, we aren't taking new patients...." Umm..thanks...

I finally found someone who would see me, so I bundled up my two toddlers and drove quickly to the clinic. Nothing like having two young children in the examining room when you are having a pelvic exam.

"Well, you'll have to get to the hospital so we can do the surgery"

"What surgery?" tears are flowing, fear is building...

"Well, you are losing the baby. We have to do a D&C."

I look at the two sweet girls playing on the floor. I'm crying. what do I do? The doctor just leaves me. Hospital. Miscarriage. Operation. Two children. My mom is at work. My husband is in Yellowknife. I lost my baby. I'm bleeding. I can't see through my tears. What do I do now?

Someone pops their head in the door. I stare.

"You can use the phone if you like"

Okay. Who do I call? ... No one knows I'm pregnant. I think my mom knew. Mom's at work...downtown.

I call Edith...I am sobbing uncontrollably. I try to speak... "this is Lynn" I can't choke out any more.

Edith says: What's wrong?
Is is John? no
the girls? no
you? sob....baby...
you are having a miscarriage? yes.
where are you? I'll be right there.

Then I called my mom. I don't remember everything. Just that Edith and Garth came and got me. They drove me home and took the girls with them..My mom came and took me to the hospital. Very scary to be in a strange ER, not knowing anyone. My baby is gone...

When it is all over, I am left with a migraine and two toddlers. My mom helps me. "You have to phone John."

No.

Yes.

I am already in too much pain. Feeling too alone. I've already suffered a loss.

I phone.

I tell my husband about our baby.

My husband says: "I'm staying a few extra days up here"

I am alone with two toddlers.

I am alone with my grief.

I didn't want to phone.

Phoning hurt.

I am alone.

I am nothing.

I am dying.

Is it wrong to be jealous of a couple whose full term baby died?

Lord have mercy on me, a sinner.

We the Jury

Interesting Dr. Phil show, today. With some of the jurors from the Lacy Peterson trial.
Wow...imagine getting death threats for being on a jury. Gulp.

Being on a jury is interesting and frustrating. What people don't understand is that the jury doesn't get to hear ALL the evidence. When I was juror on a murder trial, I found it very frustrating that we would be excused so often so that the lawyers could argue about whether or not certain information could be used in the trial. To this day, I wonder what we DIDN'T hear. I really really want to know!! LOL

I really feel for the jurors on that trial. They saw and heard such horrific stuff. We saw some gross stuff, too. Crystal's head was run over, her body burned. Not a pretty sight.

The weird thing was that I didn't really have any problem with anything I saw or heard. It was all quite facinating. It wasn't until we reached a verdict that all the emotion came out. Kind of like delayed reaction.

Several of us jurors didn't sleep for weeks after the trial. My boss even gave me sleeping pills! LOL I still think of it from time to time. Especially when I pass the pizza place where the murderer worked, or when someone at work mentions the bar at which the murderer picked up the girl.

I hope that the jurors who were on tv, today, find peace. Hard thing,when their trial was so public.


Anyway...just some random ramblings!

Speaking of Which...

A few weeks ago, Jeremy showed me how to replace a light switch. (by changing one for me! ;) )

Last week, I changed TWO of them... ALL BY MYSELF!!! YAY, ME!!!


I don't want to be the man. I've been fighting against being the man for over 15 years. But...I am the man, now, so I might as well embrace it. A little electric shock therapy can't be that bad for you ... can it?? Plus, it gives me an excuse to go to Home Depot.

Thank you , Jeremy, for giving me a fish...and for teaching me how to fish!

What is love?

I saw part of a show on TV yesterday. It was parents who never said 'no' to their children. There was one woman who is now 23yrs old. She is well educated, married and has her own children, yet she still feels that her mother should pay her bills for her, if she asks her to. She expects it. A mother should WANT to do that.

The question was, what is showing love? Is is never saying no? Or is it teaching them to be responsible adults? Teaching them to do it themselves, so that they can take pride in saying: I did that! From little children saying: I made my own bed! to adults saying: I am taking care of my family. or I made a mistake, I am going to own up to it, and take responsibility, pay the price.

Are you doing your child a favour by cleaning up their messes? By not holding them accountable? Is it responsible parenting, teaching someone that there are no repercussions for their actions? Or is it breeding Narcissism?

What is unacceptable behaviour in a 2 yr old, is suddenly fine, if you are an adult.

Why is that?